240917

总是告诉自己
想多了就难过了 看多了就难过了

她说 “珍惜”
原来 你不

她说 ”你会“
我想 真的会

看着你 总是害怕失去你
心里总是在想 这个男人 我真的好爱
at the same time
it hurts me more
the one i love the most hurt me most
u know everything but u still do nothing

i never ask much
i just wanted your attention

she is right
u used to have me and knew that i wont leave

but baby
i would leave one day
so please dont made me tired
please

080917

it's been a long time
since last time i cannot
in fact , there are a lot of times i cannot handle it
but i forgot here
somewhere i can release myself
it's been so hard for me lately
oh ya , i had a boyfriend
but things don't get well
i mean me myself
yes it is at the beginning
but slowly , time comes
it doesn't same as how it used to be
action is far difference with promised
i compromised i was tired ,
i cared i hurt
i learned i shouldnt care
ya i shouldn't
if i did , i wont get any comfort
cause he just wont
the only thing i get is disappointment and disappointment
so better i shut off everything
i know it wasnt a good thing
but i got no choice but a lot of compromised
and so on

i never ask for anything
but i got nothing at last also
seriously
got zero/

it's okay
i gonna do how i did last time
slowly and slowly

070617

was wondering " was i wrong that day?"

030617

it's been awhile since last time i was here
yes x i was kind of fucked up my life
and i still enjoyed it
how sucks i am
i wasn't dare to tell
running away from everything
messed all up my studies
unmotivated af
what am i doing with my life
NO IDEA

020517

cared too much
too much is too much

blame myself for everything
i made myself fall
and i gonna pull myself out

ONLY FOOLS FALL
I AM FOOL

240417

i feel lost abit
i want to back on track
back on study mode
back on hard mode
i hate myself doing nothing
being unproductive is so not me
and i hate this feeling
not having self-confidence
feeling sucks , seriously
i gonna find the old me back
and no one can stop me from that
yes , it might be a lil bit late for that
but
at least i started now
ya i mean now
not gonna relaxing myself
pushing you please rou

as harder as u can

160427

my life is so messed up since the day u left me

130417

okay roughly

its been a month? i didnt really blog
the last one not counted because that's a mess

if u asked me , how have i been
i would say , mess drowning unmotivated
i wrote down 'to do list' in my planner
but i didn't done any of it
procrastinate game strong shit
i know i myself need a break to cool myself down
but i can't see there's a DAY to
tiredness killed
i was exhausted af
and i only realized after the 3hours napping
yes , nap
i feel like i was drowning
and no one is gonna save me
so i have to save myself
BUT idk how
i started to smile over talk
it was like my heart is hurting but i act like nothing
i used to pretend in a good way
but now i can't
keep silent is what i able to react
yea , everyone feels like i gonna get through all of those shits
i will , but not that fast
i not gonna show it out
no point

doimissu
yesido

but i know i just cant anymore
bye '
i see u soon
soon

080417

mess

150217

today gonna be the last day
last day , seriously last day

last day loving u

150217

i like u
no
i can even say i love u
but i cant love u at all
not all
i should have know that it will always be her
i just never thought that u will choose her over me
me stupid enough
me thought that u care about me
i believe u were
i believe everything u told me
everything is truth at that moment
not now , just not now
the truth is u choose her over me
and u never thought my feelings
my feeling is shits

i wish i could stop loving u so much
i really do

i cared so much
but u don't
u just don't even care about me

its time to let go

130217

he doesn't care about my feelings

i should have know that
i should have know that he never mine

its time to let go
i should let go

110217

i would used to the pain
and
let it be
let it pain
let it go

loving u is my fault at the beginning
trusting u
wanting u
falling u
it's hurt
really

cried for five times
she's right
my bearing sorrow ability increased

i should have know that
u don't love me
u won't love me

i get it
really

070217

i think sometimes the hardest things is
holding on or letting go

i not sure if u still want me in your life
i don't want 'phuket' became the only connection
the only reason why u called me bae

HER
insecure
six sense keeps telling me
u are with her
i don't know what can i do
u gonna mad with me
because i not trust u again
yea x how should i
u not telling me anything
u not replying me
u like them , those guys
who are not interested in me at all
that's how they act like
and u are same as them now
how could i not overthinking

deserve ? you?
what

060217

it's February, time flies

okay , i didnt get to move on from u
i stuck, seriously

i was worried
about everything

people around me giving bad comments
but i still hoping miracle happens
like what i said ,
i was hoping us work
even though they believed i gonna fucked up in the end

your existence was never a plan
a big surprise
and it mess me up
mentally & physically

what is her to you
and so
what am i to you

i trust u from the bottom of heart
but i know that i should't be
i don't know which to choose
because in fact i can do nothing aint i

sometimes i feel like u takes me matter
sometimes i don't
i am in the middle of road
nowhere to go

yea, it's really hard for me to say no
if u asking me now
yes, is my answer
but i have to take it slow

are u my mr.right
i wish u are
yes x i really hoped so

u know i care a lot
but don't take me granted

i can take the pain

lol
acting cool but no

kyr stop fooling yourself around

put your ass up
do what u want to do

stop overthinking


i miss u a lot
but u seem don't care anymore
anyway

i miss u btw
but u just seem don't

don't know it's just me or u changed
i can't even confirm u to me
u are no longer the first week u

okay
me thinking too much
as usual

310117

this year gonna be the most sien new year i ever been 

u know how 'nothing to do' i am until i am blogging now 

full of thoughts actually 

gonna write it down 

well, had a deep chat with my 16years bestfriend

it was really great to see him happy now 

finally he move on and found her true love 

i hope she's the one 

he told me 'passionate' 

love is passion , he said 

and i saw that through his eyes 

i was kind of envy his girl , cause i know he really fell in love with her 

so hard so hard 

and i was wondering , AM I LUCKY ENOUGH TO MEET THE ONE 

he brought her everywhere , he did whatever he wants to make her happy 

he wanted to see her all the time 

damn , the girl is really lucky to meet him tho 

okay , i was envying , i admit it 

so 

today is the 13th day we met 

i know i fucked up , because i do care about u 

more than u do , i wonder 

i trust u , but i don't trust her 

she is in your life , and i wonder how u get to move on when she is still in your life 

i admit it , i am insecure , i always do 

and u just don't explain , or maybe say something 

to make me feel good 

i know she can't be replace , of course she can't 

u used to had her for the past 7 years 

i understand u need time ? 

but no one can assure u won't go back to her 

even you yourself 

asking me back' what if u are not the one i want , what if i am the one who leave'

no, not gonna be 

because i know myself well 

i don't get attached so easily 

once i did , i fucked up 

that's my weakness 

u are my weakness now 

i decided to give you some time 

but i not sure whether it is right or wrong 

like long said, either i became xiaosan or i get hurt in the end 

it sounds harsh right 

no happy ending 

however 

i must say that i believe u deep down insides my heart 

don't ask me why , i just did 

might so wrong 

maybe i really hope us make it 

maybe u honest with me, but keni banned this 

maybe there's a trip for us 

maybe i just trust u 

it would be great if i get to know 'future' 

i don't know 

i just wanna u be mine 

but take it slow , really take it slow 

我不知道我们会走到哪里 但我真的希望到最后站在你旁边的人是我

u are my biggest surprise in 2017 

this is the first time i wish what mummy said is bullshits 

290117

u just keep pushing me away
from u

i am now
hoping myself can get out from it

i can't take that pain

260117

march
two months more
i hope we make it
i hope we work things out

we need to know more about each other
we need to build trust
not easy , but i really wish we can go through it together

there's always two sides:
holding on & letting go
when i wanted to let go
u did something which makes me feel safe
makes me feel u do take me serious
when i wanted to hold on
u disappointed me
u let me down

insecure

250117

it's only one week
yay a lot of shits happened

i don't know what to do
i don't know what should i do
holding on or letting go
two way paths
hard decisions
i care a lot , i really do
so i started to find excuses for u
in order to make us works
in order to cheat myself

i should step out right
should i

tell me what to do please

210117

i dont know
i dont know whether u are really in serious or not
i just dont know

i am afraid of myself
i am afraid of falling into to u

i dont want
i dont want
i dont want

i dont want to get hurt

200117

afraid of falling in love
my issues

fear of get hurt

190117

i am kind of lost my way
i don't know what should i do

180117

do what i love even tired but feeling good
stay positive
training myself focus on good things

feeling lost sometimes
feeling give up sometimes
feeling bad sometimes
that's life
we can't expect ourselves to stay positive all the time
it's not possible
we just need to improve our awareness
to get off from the bad vibes asap

i know i am a three mins people
i used to give up easily
i used to forget the purpose in the early day
so i need to keep reminding myself
not easy
but i can do it

doing seva , is great
but i think i am still afraid of PEOPLE
better than old days but still
takes time to change, for good
DSN SPIRIT NEVER END

met you today
cant even recognize me
maybe u too , hi to u first
thinking i was okay with u
no much hq9ubusdei feelings
but , i think of u after phoon told me 'how have u been lately'
80% not at all
rou , u improved

today is a rest day
tomorrow is a new day

no more excuses

if u do what is easy
your life gonna be hard

Jiayou rou

160117

i was kind of losing my way
i don't know whether i am doing the right or wrong things
but now while i am typing this
sudden thoughts
it they really misunderstood me , they not true friend right
alright , detoxify the p
harc , its really challenging
since i committed myself
i have to i need to do it
i own the responsibility
starting is the hardest part
don't expect for a great return
but at least , learned something
something which is worth

13012017

pms game strong day
tired af tired af tired af

started to ask myself : what i want actually

i don't know
i feel like i lost my way
the determination the heart
lose

but i not gonna give up
no way to give up
how can i say NO when i not even give it a try
yes , i can do it
i have to believe that
nothing to stop me

keep motivate myself like shit
i can do it
i can do it
i can do it


--

same place but not same at all
last time , u sat besides me
so i scared nothing
i got u ,
but now
i have to learn all over again myself
thug but i can do it

this is one of the way to success

:)

12012017

-
because
last time
i never thought that i would lose u
if i know it earlier
i would follow u anywhere
-
this is my actual answer

i realized how much i miss u today
when i saw them on the stage
i desperately hope that we are them
u and i , we both together , on the stage
i wonder if last year , i am how am i like this year
things might me much more different
maybe i am still your love one , u still mine
but , i am clear that past is past
maybe that time we are really not meant to be
but  at that moment,
i really really hope that i able to go back to one year ago
fix
i never know that i fall damn hard into u
but i did
i thought that i am okay with u already
after today , no i am not
u are the first one and maybe the only one
the one I can't forget even though anything
serious anything happened on me
still, i miss u
no matter how cruel u treat me when we broke up
no matter how many guys come into my life
no matter how many times i forced myself to move on
no matter how many times i cried because i miss u too much even that's three months after we broke up
no matter what, yes , my answer still yes , i want u come back to my life
i still want u , no second doubts
however , i know that's just me

u move on , u are doing good right now
i am happy for u
but things which i need to admit is i want to be the reason u good

ugh
today
all those memories flashback flash flash flash from heart into brain again

'u standing besides me'

别妄想了kyr



imy a lot

10012017- resolution

so , i decided to come up a 2017 resolutions after reading jane's blog

1. YES attitude
well, be prepared to confront all the challenges in life. Never say NO.

2. Workouts
I started jogging since November of last year, i skipped sometimes but still managed to maintain, recently I do more cardio. whatever it is i was training right now, i just hope that i could do as much as i could.  At least a nice body shape

3. Eat clean
Hmm, this seems harder than do more workouts as i know i am a super CHIHUO, the most challenging part is No Cookies No Bread No Cake. But, i really wanted to hypnosis myself to stop. I will still eat some but not as many as last time. And, less meat. I feel it's quite hard for me to become a vegetarian again , so i don't wanna to limit myself from it since korean food is my food. So, Cut Sugar as possible as i can.Heheh

4. Stay positive
No emo girl as my label at alll!

5. Make new friends
I used to be a super introvert and antisocial Hahaha .. So, have to cut off these awkwardness .

6. Do more practices and get myself more involved in AOL
Live a knowledgeable life .

7.No guys problems
I know it's unavoidable if some people are meant to JUST pass by not meant to stay in my life. I understand it . But, i wish i can get to less influenced by it. i believed i can do it Hehe.

8. Do something NEW
try something i never touch before, learn some skills in different fields.

9. Travel at least one place

10.Improve  ENGLISH



I guess that's all for my 2017 resolutions.

JiaYou Rourou

01072017

So , This is my 3rd blog.

like my title ''2017'' , new title for my new life
new life is too harsh
but , hoping to accomplish my new goals in 2017

2016 just changed me a lot
i guess , that's probably why i am blogging now
not posting a photo with emotional captions
i know it might too late
but at least i realized and changed
people will only gossip and laugh how horrible my life is
i think this is the most greatest thing i committed to
is i don't talk anymore
no longer split out all my problem
no longer share my depression
neither in social media nor friends
not easy for me , but i gonna discipline myself
time to force myself
time to reinforce myself
time to embrace myself
through myself

perhaps it's a way of run away from the reality that
i am actually fear of being alone
so i rather be alone
so i won't feel alone at all
that's a lie
lonely so lonely

wanted to go UK so much
so i can start over everything
compel myself to do things i not brave enough to challenge
really really wish that i could make it

 wish me myself be able to maintain
this determination
no matter in whatever condition


not easy , but i need to i have to do it
on my own